Responsibility

Of all the things I have written over the past few years, the following post is my favorite.

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I’ve noticed a trend of running away from responsibility. Despite it being synonymous with running away from life, it has been a main problem in college. I honestly gave into all the delusions I’ve always known were untrue – doing certain things because that would make people like me more. And it has just made me more unhappy. I was almost better off as a first semester Freshman, tangled in conflicting feelings and homesick, but I was involved in church and I had the trust of many people there. Since then, I’ve missed out on meeting a lot of great people and making a lot of friendships that I may not have time to make during the next few months. People will be leaving, graduating or getting married, and that’s one less person I had the chance to hear from, one less person to learn from. For that, I am disappointed in myself. Every mistake I’ve made I cannot blame anyone for but myself, and even then, the blame is unimportant. Punishing myself will never do any good, for it keeps me making the same mistakes that brought me there in the first place.

Someone mentioned the quote from Spider-Man in church the other day, “With great power comes great responsibility.” I was always entrusted with power, and because of the responsibility, I gave up the power, and with it, great opportunity. God is looking for brave souls, and I need to be one of them. I’ve always known this, but I kept unconsciously convincing myself that I had time and that responsibility would come once I graduated. When graduation looked bleak, and I was running out of options on how to rectify my life, I then gave way to realizing what I had been fighting all along – no matter what time it is in my life, there will always be responsibility and the sooner I accept that fact, the sooner I will accept the responsibility and build opportunities and earn the power in which I was entrusted to hold.

So, here I am. God keeps calling me back, and I hear the call, but pretend sometimes that I did not. He knows I heard it, and He has waited patiently for me to open my ears. Sometimes, at least most recently, I believe He has developed impatience in me and needed to bring in His greatest forces to bring me back. I know one of those people off of the top of my head without a doubt. There is no real way I can think to thank him for everything he did, for not giving up on me, for seeing me through a tumultuous time. It was suggested to me that I write him a note or speak to him sometime, and I know that in many ways I have tried to thank him, and I’m sure he heard me, but I’ll always feel as if it will never be enough.

I convinced myself that I couldn’t have it all – that I could not be successful in the outside world and also be strong in my spiritual life. I suppose it all hinges on the definition of success, but I’ve met so many people that have accomplished great things academically and in their jobs, given back to others through dentistry, nursing, medicine, business and law since I’ve been here, and they showed me that you truly can have it all. I also realized that while academics are important, being able to truly live with yourself and your decisions are more important. I have ceased to become complacent with the decisions I’ve been making because they are ruining the future of my family and the happiness and success that I am supposed to have.

5 years later, I’m here, and I’m ready. It won’t be easy, and as cliche as it is to even note that, nothing worth having is ever easy. The world today teaches one another that any type of success or improvement must happen within a matter of days, weeks or even months, disregarding the lessons of history. It has taken many years for the United States Government to sustain itself and secure the homeland, and without a doubt, its job and capacity of doing both of those things will never diminish. Much like the situation in Iraq (great opportunity for a political parallel), it will take time to place my life on the correct track and make sure that I am doing everything that is required of me at church, home and school. This is one place where I cannot let the impatience of the world interfere with what is most important.

So, if you happen to stumble upon this page a few years from now, know that all I want is to improve my life and be the person I am meant to be. If you still keep in touch with me whenever you see this, remind me of the importance of living a life for others and living a life with the presence and belief in Jesus Christ and Heavenly Father. Remind me of the goals I have and the most important things to me – the well-being, health and love of my family and friends, the success, however small or great, I can obtain using the gifts that God has blessed me with and my involvement and belief in the gospel. And please, let me be a good influence upon your life as I expect you to be upon mine.