I think of a Grey’s Anatomy episode where a child shoots her father 17 times to keep him from physically abusing her mother. Meredith Grey begs the mother, who wants to protect the abusive father, to not let this be her child’s story. She begs her to do something about the situation.

I have been exploring options after graduation and I’m scared. In a time where graduates cannot find jobs even with superior grades, what is out there for me? I didn’t work hard my first three years in college. I didn’t have a hunger to be the best. To accomodate this, I chose a major that requires less work. In an email to an adviser at Carolina, I wrote, and I quote, “It’s almost as if I got to college and my life decided to explode in my face.”

My freshman year I knew this wasn’t how it’s supposed to be. I knew then, and I let myself get to where I am now.

This can’t be my story.

If I died tomorrow, my story would be sad. I realized a short time ago that I’ve never been happy. I have misinterpreted many moments of relief and made them into moments of happiness. I have laughed and smiled, but never been truly happy.

I went to Barnes and Noble to study and ended up running into old friends. As much as I needed to study, I’m so grateful for having had the opportunity to catch up with people I haven’t seen in months. I derive my energy from people, and I’m pumped. So, thank you, you wonderful four. You have no idea how happy I am to have run into you.

Living here is strange at times. Durham and Chapel Hill are now home, but a lot of the people I’ve known here over the past six years have moved away and I find myself thrilled when I run into people I know. A few years ago it would have been nothing, but today, it is something. Feels more like home when I run into people. When I was in high school, Barnes and Noble was the place we’d go to do homework and hang out, and running into people there was absolutely expected, so in a sense, it really is a piece of home.

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Student Body President elections are tomorrow, and I feel absolutely uneducated on who to vote for. I haven’t kept up with any of the candidates, other than realizing that there is a front runner, and I haven’t read any platforms. I imagine the DTH will endorse Hogan Medlin. Just a guess, but I could read the paper tomorrow and be surprised. Three years ago, I was working with Mr. Nick Neptune for the very same race. Love.

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I forgot to register for Duke tickets. Seriously? I have been sick for the past month and the online system prevents students from registering for certain games before a specific date, so that explains it. However, it’s the Duke game. Seriously? The one semester I’m actually graduating, I don’t register. I will admit that I have had tickets to the past four home Duke games, something that I imagine most students never achieve unless they are in Carolina Fever or their family has tickets. So, that makes it better. And I was here for two national championships. Plus, we’re horrible this year, and I don’t want to be there if we lose. I’ll probably cry. (Please read Adam Lucas’s article about the Maryland loss this year. And please look back at my entry I believe I titled “Why I Hate Maryland”.)

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I’m making some decisions about the end of the year, and I think I might move back home and try to take my prerequisites for medical school. I think about helping people and that’s what makes my heart whole. All other professions are trivial to me, except for teaching, and I don’t want to lead a trivial life. I want to help, rather than hurt. If I am supposed to be a doctor, I will get there and I will be successful.

Another night of (pseudo) studying and Grey’s Anatomy. Love. Tomorrow, (hopefully) golf.

My last semester, super excited to have it finally in my grasp, and for some reason, I’m tired all the time. I can’t stay awake past 7PM and I can’t seem to get any of my reading done. I find out I have mono a couple of weeks later, and all of it begins to make sense. I’m so behind in reading, but it seems that my body would rather nap at 4PM than read about political theory. (With or without mono, I’d rather do anything than read about political theory.)

Because of said exhaustedness, I have stopped being social. I don’t have time for it in between school, work and my extended sleep schedule. I at least found time in my best semester ever to go out and have fun on the weekends, which I now spend reading and taking naps. It’s my last semester in undergrad. I’m hoping to feel better in a few weeks and get out to do … anything.

Classes are ok. I can’t say it’s my favorite academic semester, but there is a bright light among the darkness: golf. However, I’m not supposed to swing a club for a couple of months out of concern for my spleen. Hooray, mono.

Perhaps, it’s best that I stay inside given the recent dreadful weather. Right now, it’s raining. And tonight, that rain is going to freeze. On top of snow and other layers of ice. Maybe I don’t remember last winter/spring well, but I don’t remember it being this cold. I’m fairly sure in March I was wearing short sleeve shirts and Rainbows. (Were it not for the snow and ice covering the ground, there would be some college student wearing those right now in 20 degree weather.) I have a feeling that in March I won’t be wearing those out.

I understand that we won a National Championship last year and lost incredibly valuable players (including the now National Player of the Decade), however my team, the team that I have loved since I was a small nerdy child, is failing every Tar Heel fan and their beloved coaches. I can’t watch the games because I want to cry. I haven’t wanted to cry over a basketball game in about four years (coincidentally after the 2005 National Championship team left). I need my basketball team to do something, anything, because my last home Duke game as an undergrad is approaching. I want to be there and witness a miracle.

The only thing consistent is my favorite show, Grey’s Anatomy. Whenever my life seems out of control, Grey’s Anatomy is there. I believe that’s sad in a way, but we all have our shows that we love to watch, and for me, medical dramas are where it’s at. I spent ample time after my nap tonight stalking the promos for the next few episodes.

I couldn’t sleep last night, for whatever reason. I believe  it was because I fell asleep earlier in the evening and thwarted my sleep schedule, but rather than just leave me to lay here and enjoy my comfortable bed, my mind decided to start sorting through the things I have been thinking about but have not filed away. My future, mainly. I think I was supposed to be anxious, but I was placed at ease. I get really excited thinking about life. I’m a lucky, lucky girl.

Speaking of lucky, I’m hoping that in just a week and a half, my two best Carolina girls will be here to celebrate the 100th Anniversary of North Carolina Basketball. And we can paint the town red. Come hell or high water, I will be out with them, even if they have to let me nap on the bar top and I have to drink only water.

2010 has been interesting, but it’s still living up to be one of the best years yet. I can’t let it pass me by.

Since this isn’t one of my typical posts, here’s something you’re used to. Enjoy.

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Spring – a time of rebirth.

It’s not quite spring time yet, but I can’t help but think of new warmth right after the new year has begun. Hemingway wrote in A Moveable Feast that there will always be a spring. As painful as making it through the winter can sometimes be, new things, and old things reborn… remade… are waiting.

I love colder weather, probably as a result of growing up in intense southern summers. The heat began to make me sick as a child, and I had to spend beautiful days inside. Whenever autumn came, I felt free again; I could run and play outside. After an enjoyable few months of calm weather in the fall, winter rears its head with unpredictable tempers. Some years in the south we experience warmer weather with few cold days, and others we spend the winters trapped for several weeks inside. Winter is part of the cycle of life, providing an opportunity to rebuild, so that when spring approaches, living things are stronger and more beautiful. It is true that some do not survive the weather. We do not always know the reasons. Despite this, they do not put up any less of a fight against it.

Much like I had as a child in summer, a time when typical children have no worries, I have placed myself behind a wall. I put up walls around my life, and at this point in the process, I don’t do it intentionally. I believe that I once did it with purpose to keep the bad away and keep the good inside, but now, with life appearing to be more gray than merely black and white, I have no idea why I filter life as I do. I filter people and experiences, believing that I’m choosing what is best for my future. It’s a risk that I take – a risk of picking the best experiences and running away with them, or letting in the worst, disguised as good, and allowing myself to board a shifting ride.

I went on a hike today, against logical judgment (given that I’m still sick with a mysterious flu like virus), and I spent hours with people that I know feel what I feel – lost, yet found; happy, but sad; amused, but fed up; adventurous, yet boring. All of these feelings, and emotions, make life an unpredictable season. (Matchbox 20 called it a mad season, and even as a freshman in high school, I agreed. Lest we not forget Kerouac’s love for the mad ones*.) This unpredictability makes life worth every second. (F. Scott Fitzgerald wrote in The Great Gatsby, “I was within and without simultaneously enchanted and repelled at the inexhaustible variety of life.”)

I look forward to spring, a time this year when just one of many parts of my life will end (although our years as Tar Heels never end), and a magnificent education awaits. The chance to do everything I’ve dreamed of. However, between now and May, the walls I place around my life must come down. I must once again be reborn and free myself from inside the walls I have built. Albert Camus wrote, “In the depth of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer.” Of that, I am sure; bring on the winter. This summer, I plan to go outside and play.

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* I shambled after as I’ve been doing all my life after people who interest me, because the only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn, like fabulous yellow roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars and in the middle you see the blue centerlight pop and everybody goes ‘Awww!’. Jack Kerouac, On The Road

I don’t normally write publicly about my life. I usually share abstract, non specific words pertaining to the bigger picture, but I think it’s time to change that. In less than two months, I reach the age of 23, what we refer to as the Michael Jordan year. It will be the year I graduate from college, and begin to make decisions.

I’m in the B School, armed with caffeine, disgusting snacks out of a machine, my trusty (new) computer and a semester’s worth of reading ahead. School is OFFICIALLY back in. I gave up on my whole “no caffeine” thing today as I was falling asleep in class. It lasted for over a year for the most part, so I guess you can say mission accomplished. It’s still one of my worst enemies, but it’s definitely going to be one of my best friends again.

I guess I started studying down here sophomore year with Taylor and Megan. Living in Hinton James and being a regular Arts and Sciences student, I had never had the pleasure of being inside the B School. It’s pretty much my favorite studying spot, along with the UL. I prefer the UL during the day and the Business School at night. My third favorite study part is seriously late night Union studying with Alpine. Amazingness.

I suppose I feel sort of old now that most of the people I hung out with and studied with during college have since long graduated, but there’s a consistency to knowing that nothing has really changed here. Same old business school (with minor improvements on the first floor), same old classes, same old studying… and me feeling as if I’m seriously behind. Have no fear, I’ll probably be up all night long, no thanks to my surfing facebook and typing this up. At least I don’t have AIM or google chat to distract me anymore. AIM disappeared my junior year of college, about three years ago, and most of the people I google chat with have what I’ll call real lives and real jobs now. So they’re probably enjoying a drink, dinner, a movie, maybe two or all three, and having a blast with their college diploma. I, on the other hand, decided to join the “real world” two years ago when I wanted to take time off, and now I must drudge my way through my last year of undergrad.

I promise I’m happy about it, despite what I just wrote above. I love Carolina. I always will. Yet, it’s not even about where I am – maybe partly because it’s familiar and I have many memories tied to almost everywhere on campus. It’s about feeling as if I’m enriching my mind once again. During my time off, I’m not sure I did anything that required me to think analytically. I’m probably dusting the cob webs off my brain as we speak.

Different people, same place, same order of things. Most of my friends who have graduated remind me every so often how much they’d like to be back here. I’d love to tell them that not having to study is more fun than what I’m doing here on a Thursday night, but truthfully, it’s pretty amazing to be back for one last hurrah.

As a person, I think I’ve grown a bit lately. We’re always growing as people (I’d like to believe), but the past couple of months I’ve been trying to fulfill the goals I made for myself back in January. I think many of the goals I made are ones, should I choose to progress in fulfilling them, that will help build the life I’ve always wanted. In the same respect, I think the past few months have reminded me that these goals I’m making for myself, while valid, are just one more way I’m being ridiculously hard on myself. Healthy, or not healthy… that is a question I’m just not going to answer, nor really worry about.

Part of the growing I’ve done has been a direct response to people, whether directly or indirectly involved in my life, reminding me of the damage they can do to others’ lives. The last thing I’d rather do at this moment is bring attention to any of the bullshit going on around me, but for the sake of others, and not my own, I use this bullshit as a reminder for everyone to really watch whom they associate themselves with. I usually like to bring people into my life, because I love getting to know people and listening to their lives. I have been blessed to have met a great deal of amazing people, many of whom remain involved in my life to this day. I’ve had some of the best friends I could ask for, and I find that I mention them often because they have had a significant influence on who I have become. They above all deserve that credit.

Yet, in the midst of these wonderful people, I’ve had my share of people who, for lack of a better analogy, have taken butcher knives and stabbed me in the back. We all have. I place my trust in someone because I believe there’s a reason they are in my life, and then I find that they are just as immature as I originally thought them to be. I let a few people into my life this year that have inflicted significant emotional damage on a friend of mine… by using me. I wish I could have seen this coming in some way. I never imagined the manipulation that would take place, and the lies that would be spread without any warrant. In the scheme of things, the things that have been said are not important. I’ve personally ignored them, despite lies being made up about my life and people talking about me that don’t have one solitary clue as to who I am. However, the damage they have inflicted on another human being, without any reason or cause, is one of the most heinous crimes I can imagine committed.

I think of how naive I have been to let these people into my life, but at the same time, I realize I can’t keep people out. It’s not healthy to do so and I would miss out on letting the great people in. Even those who do bad things serve a purpose.

My apologies if this post is somewhat cryptic. In the end, all we’re going to have is how we lived our lives. This includes how we treat others. Actions speak much louder than words. Please keep in mind during your day, every day, to treat others in the manner to which you want to be treated. On another note, more specifically to the line of work I find myself in now, stay out of everyone’s business and remember the line between friend and boss/colleague, even if your superiors do not.

In my mind, the first verse would always repeat…

“Heavenly Father, are You really there? And do You hear and answer every child’s prayer?”

It has been quite the past couple of years for me, and faith has taken a back seat in my life. It has never disappeared, though. I am grateful that my faith is at least strong enough to stick around. I think that the time before we go to sleep, we have quiet moments to be with the reality that often fills our lives. As I sang that line so often in my mind, I think I really wanted someone to answer and help me through the trials I face each day.

Strangely enough, the answer is found in the song. I just couldn’t move my mind to sing the other lines.

“Pray, he is there. Speak, he is listening. You are His child; His love now surrounds you.”

I picked up “It’s Not Easy Being Green”, a book full of quotes from Jim Henson and his characters. It so often references the child like tendencies that we all have – the innocence in all of us. Jim reminds me that inside, I’m just a child. I’m still a kid with big dreams. I still get excited over Legos. I still love to play outside. I still tell corny jokes, and they still make me laugh. I keep the lessons I learned as a child so close to my heart, and it burns whenever I think of the simple truth I’ve always known. Heavenly Father is there, and He does hear me. I knew it as small child; I know it now.

I remember that evening, four years ago, when every state had been called but Ohio. I held on to the faith I placed in the American people to keep our nation away from those who would harm it, and I believe that in 2004, the American people did just that.

Unfortunately, I was not as enthusiastic about this year’s election. I wish I had been; tonight would have more meaning for me, whether good or bad. I have so many friends who placed true heart and soul into campaigns this year – two of my friends running statewide campaigns here in North Carolina, and my best friend, now the press secretary for a US Member of Congress. I am so proud of the work they did this year, for giving of themselves for a higher cause. I know over the next few days, they will be catching up on the lives they placed on hold and much needed sleep.

Now, I congratulate our President-elect, Senator Barack Obama. I did not vote for him, but in this moment, I celebrate with him. He ran the best political campaign any American has ever seen. Acknowledging that money equals power and message, he raised three-quarters of $1 billion dollars, at the very least, allowing him the absolute advantage on the campaign trail. I also congratulate Senator John McCain for giving of himself for this cause and ending his run with class and dignity. Republicans, even as they are stereotyped as rich and despised out of an inherent connection to George W. Bush, are graceful in the face of loss and refuse to lose hope, the very message Barack Obama based his entire campaign upon.

Barack Obama is a superior orator, but diplomatically he has proven nothing to me yet, even with four years in the United States Senate. It is David Broder who wrote, “The Senate is not the real world. And voters know it.” Politicians are often disappointing, even those that can rally troops for the cause in millions. I voted against him because I saw no concrete plans to change this nation. I needed more than promises of change. I need actual change. I don’t like what I saw in the past four years, but I am also seasoned enough to know that a lot of what we saw came from those who were quick with words, but made the wrong decisions for the United States.

I hope. Just as Obama asks of us, I hope. I hope he’ll be what we really need. I have faith in the superiority of the human will to progress, but I also know it takes more than just words. As carried away as I can get as an American with power phrases and articulation, I know it takes more than a victory to truly bring about the change that America needs.

I am often teased about always needing to be right. Truth is, I’ve never needed to be right. I have just always had a strong intuition guiding my beliefs. There are things I just know, but cannot explain to you how or why I know them. And usually, I am right. Here’s the thing: I don’t want to be right about President Obama’s future as our commander in chief. I want to believe that the United States will be in successful hands, those entrusted to keep the beacon shining brighter than it ever has. For everyone’s sake in this world, I hope I am wrong. I hope that I am absolutely wrong.

If Barack Obama is not what we need, I hope there will be someone to step up behind him. Until January, when Obama stands on a podium in front of the United States Capitol to take the Oath of Office, I’m going to hope that the people who voted this election cycle realize the true state of our affairs. How important it is that we come together as a nation to free ourselves from tyranny of government and the ignorance of people.